Nightmares Of A Dating Platform Co-Founder

A picture from the first event of the Pop Culture Panchayat Series we hosted in New Delhi. Connecting people, does Nokia still hold a copyright to that tagline? Picture Credit: MYOLO

India is growing and it is growing fast. At least that’s the narrative the Indian government wants you to swear by. While I see some of that economic growth happening, I also think the we should look at the growth digits with a pinch of salt. But it’s some non-economic activities and events that tend to throw me back to a Thursday that I’ve never lived.

The Bollywood movie ‘Udta Punjab’ and the drama around its clearance and censor board chief’s medieval whims is one such socio-cultural piece in the larger painting, which to me was open-sourced earlier, but now appears to be more restricted. There are many such examples, people will tell you. Some will also tell you most of these are futile. So it depends who you choose to believe.

Without getting into the argument of why art demands, deserves and needs freedom and why the state is better focusing on poverty alleviation, I want to declare that I write this article as an Indian co-founder at a startup called MYOLO where we are building an online/offline socialising and dating platform.

It’s a platform we are building for the urban Indian man who is as much of a feminist as he is a lover of Virat Kohli’s straight drive. It’s for the young woman who is as much aware about Raghuram Rajan and his refusal of extending his term, as she is aware of the latest maroon lipstick shade from Mac. It’s as much for the queer person who marched at JNU for the Orlando massacre victims as it is for the transgender who practiced yoga who practiced yoga on the International Day of Yoga in Mumbai. It’s for everyone who fits some of these super stereotypes and for everyone who doesn’t. Essentially, it’s for the young independent thinker on the move, for the intelligent Indian.

Dating Platforms and Urban India

See, to us and our startup, the openness of the young Indian mind matters as much as the accommodativeness of society. By accommodative I don’t mean to give society an upper hand, it’s only to indicate the evolutionary nature of it all, among others, the nature of relationships, the mediums of realising it and of course the idea of marriage. And to be honest, while we believe we’ve got our target audience sorted, I think that audience is only growing by the day, especially with exposure to education, information on the Internet and the works of artists, authors and the likes from around the world.

Education is playing a key role. So is economic growth. No, not the forcing of Rana Pratap in Rajasthan history textbooks kind of education, but the kind of liberal education that is coaxing people to question that move. For instance, I think, (while both are welcome) today an article from the Spoilt Modern Indian Woman contributes more to advancing the cause of feminism than a lecture at a school function. Not only that, and you don’t need a genius to know this, with increased economic growth, there’s increased exposure and access to private education, the Internet and books and what not, and that in itself feeds into that cycle of more liberal students coming out as well. See, it’s not because joint families are breaking, but it’s because more families are getting educated too. So while we target higher economic growth, we shouldn’t try to paint and then chain our values. No, the time of Asian values is gone.

While societies are progressing (yes, we can argue about how we define progress), there are social elements that are going primitive too. Just so complex is India; actually the entire world. So many divides. For every stereotype-breaking campaign by a dating app (yes, I think the new Truly Madly AIB video song is great), there are thousands of Bhai fans who cannot see why his “raped woman” comment was wrong. And that’s just the unfortunate disparity of thought in the urban space. The rural has even more shades.

Online dating is perhaps in a need for correction, correction to nudge it back towards keeping things real. Why just stay stuck on messengers when technology can also lead you interesting events? Picture credit: BBC 

Okay, so let’s get to what prompted this post. It was this – this report claiming that the ninth edition of the travellers' guide and scholars' manual released by the Indian Council for Cultural Relations (ICCR) says that Indian women are still conservative, that they don’t really date. This one apparently even goes on to say, “The modern Indian woman is traditional in some ways. She may refuse politely if a man asks her out for a film or an outing. Dating is not common in India.” So what’s the deal? No, I’m not an Indian woman, but I’ve dated one for seven years. And I know now you are judging her and me, but the sourness in that analysis may lower if I tell you we got married after that dating period too.

Forget that though, why that statement? Why should we want to distance ourselves from dating? Even if it were foreign concept, it’s a concept we love and have embraced. It’s empowering to choose your partner. It’s fulfilling to love them. It’s more. Doesn’t even have to be eternal love, it could be a summer fling too where neither party was hurt or cheated. So it’s also nothing we are ashamed of. Meanwhile we should also remember that India is also now home to it’s own take on love hotels with Stay Uncle coming to the rescue of “couples that need a room, not judgment”. A much needed venture. And so, while the ICCR statement isn’t true of urban India, let’s say if it were true. Let’s say most Indian women didn’t date, but then the men do. Nothing saying there that they don’t. So are we saying that most Indian men are gay? Well, yes, I want a government body to acknowledge and embrace homosexuality in India, but don’t do that like a hypocrite now? I want you the state to embrace heterosexuality as much too. In fact, embrace the entire sexual revolution that we are so shy to admit and never talk about.

An Entrepreneur’s Nightmares

While this just squeezes my Indian soul, it also scares me as an entrepreneur. See, dating is core to the platform we are building, and the ICCR says most Indian women don’t date. A government body saying that is always scary. Now let’s connect some dots. Maybe there are none, but that’s how a scared entrepreneur’s mind works. Look at this video and listen to Google’s Eric Schmidt where he says one of the most important things for a company is to know what does the next five years look like. And you don’t even need Schmidt to tell you that, we are always thinking about the sustainability of the business anyway. And to me it all looked promising. More economic activity and more education mean more busy, young professionals looking for friends, love and experiences to share. And that’s a business opportunity.

But then I read that ICCR report. It scared me. Why, well because only a couple of days before reading it I’d read this – the government had just come out with an advisory for matrimonial websites asking them to take identity proofs from all users and to ensure they are not used for dating, but only for marriages. Yes, I’d welcomed that move of ID proofs and tracking the ISP because there’ve been reports of frauds being committed using these sites, that people were duped and cheated via the medium. So, I was happy. Good move. But no dating? Why say they can’t date and they must only be there if they want to marry. A declaration is a little too much now, isn’t it? Is courtship not a thing? Is the government paying for the accounts?

Anyway, so this advisory along with the ICCR report that followed got together to scare me. How do I begin to answer that five-year question then if I fear random government advisories and manuals? Yes, online dating is still a new space and it needs some corrections, perhaps guidance too. Yes, we know safety and privacy are paramount which is why we are working on profile verification and already had an ID upload feature even before the advisory was issued to matrimonial websites, but how do I know the right-slanting government of the Republic of India will not ban dating? What’s even scary is that how do I know that the single-majority government of India will protect entrepreneurs and individuals like me when there’s a violent backlash against dating by fringe elements? We remember the “Shiv Sena terrorising couples in Mumbai”, don’t we? So will the government maintain silence or will it be progressive enough to engage with the community and work on policies, a little like it did with the Startup India plan?

Security in Young Indians

Either way, it’s not in the government that I find a sense of security for now, but in the many individuals we are building this platform for. We don’t know how many people there are, but we know there are many. It’s that young Mumbai thinker that gives me confidence as much as the ziddi party-going Delhi lad who takes the cab back home to avoid drunk driving. Again, to go beyond the stereotyping, essentially every young Indian gives us the courage to keep doing what we’ve started and to take pride in what we are building. That intelligent Indian motivates us! And while they scare away my business nightmares, I sometimes worry about the nightmares of so many others. May be the monsoon will shoo some away and the state others. Meanwhile, thank you Young India.